Cooling the Anxiety

I realize I have not written a blog post since my first one that introduced my family and my ideas around private life. Tonight the urge to write came in desperation. During my graveyard working mom shift (the good ol nightly 10pm -2am) I was charging trying to get a proper accounting system in place which quickly spiraled into a minor panic attack about money and inadequacies around business and so forth it went. I really don't have time for this I said to myself.

I am wiser now and have tools for these icky moments-- so I pulled out the only tool I could remember and unfolded my tense pretzeled self, grounded my feet into the floor,  and took a few breaths with my body somewhat in alignment. 

COOLING THE ANXIETY- RECONNECT TO SPIRIT went onto the top of the legal pad. 

Then the tears came. Oh that felt good. That hasn't happened in a long time. No time for spirit or tears these days, I have shit to do all the time! The tears were given space to come and so did the stream of written thoughts that followed. 

" My insides feel dull and painful. Its hard to breathe. Im wading waist deep in thick water, in the dark. My ribs are sticking together as hot dense air finds its way down my throat and into my lungs. 

This is my mind depleted. This is my body off of sleep, yoga, and spiritual practice. This is my spirit wavering on the edge of embodiment.

This is financial burdens and awareness weighing on my heart --- {omitting section on these stressors}.

Where is the fire? I feel it, its still here, but its tired from burning all the time. 

The world turns around me. Some lives going smooth, some rough. Some hardshipped. Some privledged. I am just here pulling a heavy metal anchor somewhere, I dont know where. 

What do I want? I want magic. I want presence. I want connection. I want memories and moments. I want ease and abundance and time to just be. Most of all I want to be in my core, my center of the why. Why have I taken this particular path and stayed on it for so long? Why am I still Puka Perri? The meaning, The Why is the key and it has always been. Maybe that is why I am feeling sick, maybe I am caught up in what I am supposed to be focused on. But the real wealth is to go back to the root, the message and spread it. The Puka Project, the beacon of light, the messages of healing the pukas brought me. 

Writing, sharing truths, uncovering layers, my process, the universal process. This is the Gold. 

This evening is happening for a reason. In these moments of wading in the muck, there are diamonds waiting for us if we can quiet and hear the guidance. If I never stopped my wheels from turning tonight by grounding my feet which led to the cry, I never would have come here to this new place that feels so much different than ten minutes ago. EXHALE. Ex Hale. Former house. Let go (exhale) and move into a new house.   {yes this was a steam of conscious deconstruction of EXHALE}"

Does anyone else go back and look at their instagrams to see where they have been? To look into their past headspace, to see where their inspirations took them. I do. I look back at those tiny boxes to remind me of the path, my unique journey. One box just leads to another box. The unfolding of our growth is out there for the world to see. I look through my little boxes and I see a feed that is hodge podge, that lacks color scheme and click to shop buttons. But it is the truth of evolving me. its a real story that I am writing. I look at these little boxes and I feel proud. Proud for artistic reasons, proud for truth speaking, proud for the intersections of lives, proud for the sheer amount of creations my one set of hands has put together. Scrolling through these boxes makes me cry again. The only way through is to keep going. I want to keep sharing little boxes of inspiration, wisdom, and healing.

Why did I share this here bigger unedited box of words? Because my gut told me to. And life is hard no matter who you are and what circumstances you are in. Writing is where healing began for me, it gave me the ability to hear myself and turn off the brain chatter. And also gave me a reference point to look back to. I still read my old diaries. This blog is kind of like a new diary for me, but the lock is taken off. I share because I feel that if someone can relate or feel something in themselves by reading this we can both feel more human and connected and dissolve layers that isolate us into feeling alone. 

Well, I should hit publish and go to bed now. Lists and creating await my presence tomorrow.

The legal pad