Cooling the Anxiety

I realize I have not written a blog post since my first one that introduced my family and my ideas around private life. Tonight the urge to write came in desperation. During my graveyard working mom shift (the good ol nightly 10pm -2am) I was charging trying to get a proper accounting system in place which quickly spiraled into a minor panic attack about money and inadequacies around business and so forth it went. I really don't have time for this I said to myself.

I am wiser now and have tools for these icky moments-- so I pulled out the only tool I could remember and unfolded my tense pretzeled self, grounded my feet into the floor,  and took a few breaths with my body somewhat in alignment. 

COOLING THE ANXIETY- RECONNECT TO SPIRIT went onto the top of the legal pad. 

Then the tears came. Oh that felt good. That hasn't happened in a long time. No time for spirit or tears these days, I have shit to do all the time! The tears were given space to come and so did the stream of written thoughts that followed. 

" My insides feel dull and painful. Its hard to breathe. Im wading waist deep in thick water, in the dark. My ribs are sticking together as hot dense air finds its way down my throat and into my lungs. 

This is my mind depleted. This is my body off of sleep, yoga, and spiritual practice. This is my spirit wavering on the edge of embodiment.

This is financial burdens and awareness weighing on my heart --- {omitting section on these stressors}.

Where is the fire? I feel it, its still here, but its tired from burning all the time. 

The world turns around me. Some lives going smooth, some rough. Some hardshipped. Some privledged. I am just here pulling a heavy metal anchor somewhere, I dont know where. 

What do I want? I want magic. I want presence. I want connection. I want memories and moments. I want ease and abundance and time to just be. Most of all I want to be in my core, my center of the why. Why have I taken this particular path and stayed on it for so long? Why am I still Puka Perri? The meaning, The Why is the key and it has always been. Maybe that is why I am feeling sick, maybe I am caught up in what I am supposed to be focused on. But the real wealth is to go back to the root, the message and spread it. The Puka Project, the beacon of light, the messages of healing the pukas brought me. 

Writing, sharing truths, uncovering layers, my process, the universal process. This is the Gold. 

This evening is happening for a reason. In these moments of wading in the muck, there are diamonds waiting for us if we can quiet and hear the guidance. If I never stopped my wheels from turning tonight by grounding my feet which led to the cry, I never would have come here to this new place that feels so much different than ten minutes ago. EXHALE. Ex Hale. Former house. Let go (exhale) and move into a new house.   {yes this was a steam of conscious deconstruction of EXHALE}"

Does anyone else go back and look at their instagrams to see where they have been? To look into their past headspace, to see where their inspirations took them. I do. I look back at those tiny boxes to remind me of the path, my unique journey. One box just leads to another box. The unfolding of our growth is out there for the world to see. I look through my little boxes and I see a feed that is hodge podge, that lacks color scheme and click to shop buttons. But it is the truth of evolving me. its a real story that I am writing. I look at these little boxes and I feel proud. Proud for artistic reasons, proud for truth speaking, proud for the intersections of lives, proud for the sheer amount of creations my one set of hands has put together. Scrolling through these boxes makes me cry again. The only way through is to keep going. I want to keep sharing little boxes of inspiration, wisdom, and healing.

Why did I share this here bigger unedited box of words? Because my gut told me to. And life is hard no matter who you are and what circumstances you are in. Writing is where healing began for me, it gave me the ability to hear myself and turn off the brain chatter. And also gave me a reference point to look back to. I still read my old diaries. This blog is kind of like a new diary for me, but the lock is taken off. I share because I feel that if someone can relate or feel something in themselves by reading this we can both feel more human and connected and dissolve layers that isolate us into feeling alone. 

Well, I should hit publish and go to bed now. Lists and creating await my presence tomorrow.

 

 

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The legal pad

I HATE PRIVATE LIFE

I hate private life. I grew up at a home where everyone at every time was welcomed.
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Lake Malawi , Malawi

A bed and breakfast on Lake Malawi.  

Its 10:30 pm, baby and husband are sleeping, and I'm finally sitting down to "start my blog".  I have nothing planned and all is quiet and blank for a few seconds, and then this quote and moment flash across my minds eye. I came across it while traveling in Malawi and it has been in my heart ever since. " I hate private life. I grew up in a home where every one at every time was welcomed."  My siblings will laugh if they read this because I came home from my travels in Africa  (circa 2010) and painted a large replica of this quote on cardboard and hung it in our family room.  

This all makes sense because blogs enable private matters to reveal themselves out into the public.  I am not a private person and do not want a private life. I want to share about my life. About my past, about my current, and about my future manifestations and desires. It feels good to share, and I have always found it healing to read the private inner-workings of other peoples hearts and minds. I believe the truth sets us free and reading others exposed truths can bring a deep resonance inside of us- connecting us to ourselves, human kind, and the universal truths that thread through us all.  Really feeling less alone in this maze of life.

This will be my digital space where I can collect, archive, and share. Be it business, family, spiritual, creative, collaboration, art, memories. It may be thoughtfully executed, or it may be stream of consciousness. No Rhyme, No Reason other than for me to share and publish inspired parts of this lifetime as Perri Ricci (formerly Perri Kaminoff, DBA PUKA PERRI).  And you are all welcome at anytime.

Happiness is only real when shared. - Christopher McCandless

This quote has been repeating itself around me lately. This stage of my life has been the happiest by far and also the most shared.  I share almost every waking hour of my life with someone I love, that loves me. I find this interesting. I studied economics in college so naturally I see Happiness on the Y axis and Time Shared on the X axis and a positively sloping line. Sharing life and happiness seems to have a self reinforcing effect.

Meet my mom and dad, whom raised me in the home where everyone was welcome. and meet my husband and son whom I share every day of my life with. 

This is my Dad Rick Kaminoff. He is a renaissance man from queens. Builder of thy Kingdom, Kamp Kaminoff. An intimidator, a brilliant mind, a family man, and a 5.0 Tennis player with an an impeccable eye for beauty.  He caretakes us and makes us all laugh, especially my mom who still gets a kick out of him after 30 years of marriage, 4 kids, and a whole lot of craziness under his roof. His ambitions have always been high and his hard work has paid off in many forms of success. Hoping he retires soon to a beach near me where he can dwell in the sun.     Bamboo Forrest, Maui

This is my Dad Rick Kaminoff. He is a renaissance man from queens. Builder of thy Kingdom, Kamp Kaminoff. An intimidator, a brilliant mind, a family man, and a 5.0 Tennis player with an an impeccable eye for beauty.  He caretakes us and makes us all laugh, especially my mom who still gets a kick out of him after 30 years of marriage, 4 kids, and a whole lot of craziness under his roof. His ambitions have always been high and his hard work has paid off in many forms of success. Hoping he retires soon to a beach near me where he can dwell in the sun.

 

Bamboo Forrest, Maui

Their shared happiness shines through. They raised my siblings and I to be inclusive and welcome others into our home and family. They are also ridiculously good looking. Kuau, Maui

Their shared happiness shines through. They raised my siblings and I to be inclusive and welcome others into our home and family. They are also ridiculously good looking. Kuau, Maui

This is my bobmshell of a Mom Andrea Kaminoff.  She devoted her life to taking care of her family and is always making the circle bigger. Her high energy is infectious and anyone that orbits with her is taken care and made feel very special. As head of programming and community relations at Kamp Kaminoff, she is always keeping the activity interesting, the space beautiful, and the menu delicious. She runs circles around us all and is strong as hell. She has recently been promoted to Grandmawww and loves her grandbaby. The continues to dream big in creating her perfect empty nest life.   Kuau, Maui

This is my bobmshell of a Mom Andrea Kaminoff.  She devoted her life to taking care of her family and is always making the circle bigger. Her high energy is infectious and anyone that orbits with her is taken care and made feel very special. As head of programming and community relations at Kamp Kaminoff, she is always keeping the activity interesting, the space beautiful, and the menu delicious. She runs circles around us all and is strong as hell. She has recently been promoted to Grandmawww and loves her grandbaby. The continues to dream big in creating her perfect empty nest life. 

Kuau, Maui

This picture of my dad is just epic. El Jefe. Mamas Fish House, Maui

This picture of my dad is just epic. El Jefe. Mamas Fish House, Maui

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My Husband and I before babies

This is my husband Matias Ricci. In 2013 our roots intertwined and we have been growing together ever since. He keeps me grounded and doesn't let me float too high in the clouds. Our marriage has been the sweetest and safest container to live, create, and grow in.  He loves our family and he loves to surf, and the rest of it he does gracefully. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, our marriage isn't perfect, but together as a team we are better people and doing better work in this world.

Kuau, Maui 2014

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Luka Kalani Ricci

My Boy. The eternal sunshine in my heart. He also hates private life and told me he prefers that we live in a village. More on him and how he got here in the next post.